Interviewer: Starting off, is there anything you'd like to say to Longhorn fans?
Bolt Vanderhuge: Hey there, Longhorns nation, Jumbo and I have something to say, although I suppose it's not really any secret. We are declaring for the EFL draft.
Jumbo Danzig: As the big guy said, everyone knew that we are EFL bound after this season. We have played coy with the media on the topic for far too long, but only because it is hard to say goodbye and frankly we have already been dealing with so many distractions this season that we tried to put this announcement off for as long as possible so we could concentrate on the here and now.
Bolt Vanderhuge: I would personally like to thank Coach Tacticalhammer for bringing us along on this wild ride and I can honestly say that if eligibility weren't a concern I'd just stay here forever, maybe learn rocket surgery. Not every coach would be willing to take a chance on a foreign national from outer space or a septuagenarian with a serious PED problem. Actually, you better cut that last part out. I can get a redo, right?
Interviewer: This is alive, so I am afraid everything you say will be public record. What has been your approach to preparing for the EFL?
Jumbo Danzig: I have been cutting more weight than a bulimic UFC fighter. I'm shredded like cheese right now and my 40 time is way, way down. I've always been known for my range and hands. I genuinely believe that when the combine rolls around I'll be able to prove that I can play in-the-box safety if called upon.
Bolt Vanderhuge: I'm kinda on the other end of the spectrum and have just been sticking with what works: mass. I'm up to 270 now and every ounce is committed to running over each and every pencil necked d-back stupid enough to think they can tackle me by themselves.
Interviewer: Is this fascination with size related to the speculation that your respective playing styles may not be well-suited to the modern game?
Jumbo Danzig: I've been hearing that I'm a tweener at every level I've played at and it hasn't stopped me yet from getting the job done. At the end of the day, if you can put a hat on the ball, then you can suit up. Simple as that. I may not end up a hall of famer, but nobody can deny I'm a football player.
Bolt Vanderhuge: I'm the first to admit I'm not the fastest man on the field and that Crowbar is the star around here. But I dare you to look at the tape and tell me our backs would be getting the same yardage if me and the Waffler weren't out there serving up pancakes and dropping the hammer down after down.
Interviewer: You mentioned distractions earlier, is that why you feel the Longhorns have perhaps underperformed at 7-6?
Bolt Vanderhuge: Well, I don't want to take away from what other teams have been able to do against us on the field, but as seniors we're the guys who should be setting the tone and frankly it's hard to say that we've helped.
Jumbo Danzig: It's my fault, really. I can understand why people would question my commitment to football given that I'm a punk rocker, comic book artist, senior citizen and someone who clearly really, really wishes he was a vampire.
Interviewer: Some have blamed your agency for providing bad career advice, would you care to comment upon that?
Bolt Vanderhuge; At this point I have to say the Kayfabe agency has really let us down. They apparently also represen some basketball player and I guess that geek is considered a "generational player" or some bullshit. Personally, I don't get how that should mean two shits to my agent, because let me tell ya, I've seen the SBA payscale and it's pathetic. They're supposed to be pros and the rookie scale doesn't even let you crack 5 million your first year out. I don't understand how they haven't unionized yet, frankly. It's certainly not enough money that whatever cut he's taking justifies putting me and Jumbo on the backburner.
Jumbo Danzig. It wouldn't be the first time I've been fucked by an agent, and it probably won't be the last. Agents are the worst, and if I wasn't so afraid of letting sunlight ruin my blessedly non-existent tan I'd be out there pounding the pavement and representing myself.