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Kayfabe

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  1. I'd prefer they not get drafted or anything, even in a filler capacity, but I dunno how you guys handle things and I guess I can't stop you. I kinda liked writing about these guys from time to time, since I felt like I had a fun little gimmick going with them but ultimately this just isn't the league for me.
  2. Getting ran over by Reggie like that had to sting.
  3. Uncapped +8 750 word joint Draft Declaration +6 Power Ranking Capped +6 Affiliate PT +1 NCAA Attendance +1 EFL Attendance 252->274 Tackling: 53->60 (-14 points) Agility: 35->44 (-9 points, 1 from bank)
  4. Uncapped +8 750 word joint Draft Declaration +6 Power Ranking Capped +6 Affiliate PT +1 NCAA Attendance +1 EFL Attendance 252->274 (Bank 2) Hands: 75->79 (-20 points)
  5. Interviewer: Starting off, is there anything you'd like to say to Longhorn fans? Bolt Vanderhuge: Hey there, Longhorns nation, Jumbo and I have something to say, although I suppose it's not really any secret. We are declaring for the EFL draft. Jumbo Danzig: As the big guy said, everyone knew that we are EFL bound after this season. We have played coy with the media on the topic for far too long, but only because it is hard to say goodbye and frankly we have already been dealing with so many distractions this season that we tried to put this announcement off for as long as possible so we could concentrate on the here and now. Bolt Vanderhuge: I would personally like to thank Coach Tacticalhammer for bringing us along on this wild ride and I can honestly say that if eligibility weren't a concern I'd just stay here forever, maybe learn rocket surgery. Not every coach would be willing to take a chance on a foreign national from outer space or a septuagenarian with a serious PED problem. Actually, you better cut that last part out. I can get a redo, right? Interviewer: This is alive, so I am afraid everything you say will be public record. What has been your approach to preparing for the EFL? Jumbo Danzig: I have been cutting more weight than a bulimic UFC fighter. I'm shredded like cheese right now and my 40 time is way, way down. I've always been known for my range and hands. I genuinely believe that when the combine rolls around I'll be able to prove that I can play in-the-box safety if called upon. Bolt Vanderhuge: I'm kinda on the other end of the spectrum and have just been sticking with what works: mass. I'm up to 270 now and every ounce is committed to running over each and every pencil necked d-back stupid enough to think they can tackle me by themselves. Interviewer: Is this fascination with size related to the speculation that your respective playing styles may not be well-suited to the modern game? Jumbo Danzig: I've been hearing that I'm a tweener at every level I've played at and it hasn't stopped me yet from getting the job done. At the end of the day, if you can put a hat on the ball, then you can suit up. Simple as that. I may not end up a hall of famer, but nobody can deny I'm a football player. Bolt Vanderhuge: I'm the first to admit I'm not the fastest man on the field and that Crowbar is the star around here. But I dare you to look at the tape and tell me our backs would be getting the same yardage if me and the Waffler weren't out there serving up pancakes and dropping the hammer down after down. Interviewer: You mentioned distractions earlier, is that why you feel the Longhorns have perhaps underperformed at 7-6? Bolt Vanderhuge: Well, I don't want to take away from what other teams have been able to do against us on the field, but as seniors we're the guys who should be setting the tone and frankly it's hard to say that we've helped. Jumbo Danzig: It's my fault, really. I can understand why people would question my commitment to football given that I'm a punk rocker, comic book artist, senior citizen and someone who clearly really, really wishes he was a vampire. Interviewer: Some have blamed your agency for providing bad career advice, would you care to comment upon that? Bolt Vanderhuge; At this point I have to say the Kayfabe agency has really let us down. They apparently also represen some basketball player and I guess that geek is considered a "generational player" or some bullshit. Personally, I don't get how that should mean two shits to my agent, because let me tell ya, I've seen the SBA payscale and it's pathetic. They're supposed to be pros and the rookie scale doesn't even let you crack 5 million your first year out. I don't understand how they haven't unionized yet, frankly. It's certainly not enough money that whatever cut he's taking justifies putting me and Jumbo on the backburner. Jumbo Danzig. It wouldn't be the first time I've been fucked by an agent, and it probably won't be the last. Agents are the worst, and if I wasn't so afraid of letting sunlight ruin my blessedly non-existent tan I'd be out there pounding the pavement and representing myself.
  6. I am going to be real with you, fam: this season of college football is an absolute cluster fuck. We are going to be heavily basing our rankings upon point differential because with a whopping 5 teams at 7 and 6 there frankly isn't a whole lot else separating these teams, especially out in the Western conference bloodbath. Strap in boys, because this is going to be a bumpy point task. #1: The Oregon Ducks Because, honestly, who else could it be? At 12 and 1 the Ducks are the one team that has undeniably separated themselves from the pack, which is too bad because I have never liked their uniforms, an amazing accomplishment given green is my favorite colors. Also, @MMFLEX should still be on the Longhorns, something I would give him way more shit about if he weren't currently anchoring my SBA Louisville squad. Curse you, @MMFLEX, you've outmaneuvered me on all fronts. #2. The Texas Longhorns I am a homer and there is nothing you can do about it. We would be good right now if I wasn't a lazy fuck who picked his uncap year to to start slacking off. I am putting us this high because if I get these last minute point task done fast enough I may be able to throw enough points at seniors Bolt Vanderhuge and Jumbo Danzig that they actually start proving themselves worthy of being called team leaders. @TacticalHammer deserved a better effort than this and for that, I am sorry. Only time will tell if having Crowbar Theeks will overpower the simple fact that we apparently suck on the road. #3. The Miami Hurricanes These guys are the for real number two, the more I think about it. I say this not because they are winning their conference--an arbitrary metric, even if it is one that counts for seeding purposes--but because their athletic director is a good dude and has worked hard to bring a school that had sank about as low as it could go back to respectability. And they are indeed respectable, outscoring their opposition by a healthy 52 points. #4. The Michigan Wolverines The Wolverines have to be kicking themselves a bit right now. They've gone .500 on the road and with stronger performances at home they could be staking a claim right now. #5. The USC Trojans These guys are 7-6 despite posting a negative 30 point differential and I hate them for it. I am not a gracious man. Don't @ my teammates, they can't do anything about it. #6. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish See above, but I hate them less vehemently since they only scored 6 less than they've given up. I still cannot bring myself to rank them above the Trojans, however, because how can you like a team that's only the second luckiest despite having a Leprechaun for a mascot? Point differential isn't everything, guys. #7. The Crimson Tide Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Much like in real life Alabama has been running a train on the rest of the NCAA the entire time I have been here. And now, they're 3-10, a situation which probably stings a little bit given how wide open this season has been. Still, it's probably a stretch to call this a missed opportunity since it was virtually inevitable that they'd require a consolidation year after losing so many quality upperclassmen over the years. It's hard to stay on top of the recruiting game forever when you already have starters in place. #8. The LSU Tigers At 2-11 these guys are just about hopeless on the road. I'd say they're just about hopeless anywhere, but well, they played spoiler in a big way by beating my own Longhorns squad, so instead of saying that I'll just sit here eating my plate of delicious crow instead.
  7. those are definitely some football games that happened At least the sackless streak is still going
  8. I'm a simple man; when Louisville guys get a million touchdowns, it gets a like.
  9. +3 Welfare +1 Week 10 +1 week 8 247->252 Hands: 74->75 (-5 pts)
  10. +3 Welfare +1 Week 10 +1 week 8 247->252 (1 banked) Tackling 50->53 (-6, one from bank)
  11. Two points hurts, I gotta say.
  12. +3 welfare +1 ncaa week 5 +1 ncaa week 6 242->247 (2 Banked) Hands: 73->74 (-5 pts)
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