So, I’m not the type of guy to talk about my feelings or get emotional. I’m not the type of guy who cares to let people know how he is feeling or anything like that. But I feel like maybe it’s time I did, and maybe just let 2020 be the year that I truly let everything go, and started fresh, with everything and everyone. So, if you’re not into mushy shit or not into caring about what I have to say, which I totally respect, then don’t continue reading, or grab your buckets, things may get gross.
I have been in sim leagues since the young age of 13. At 13 lets’ be honest, you don’t know a lot, you can claim to know a lot, but you don’t know a lot. I was a huge hockey fan, and at the time, my cousin introduced me to the SHL, and then the VHL around the same time. I enjoyed both of them, and became a ‘regular’ on both of them fairly quickly. I met a lot of people along the way and made a lot of cool friends that I am still friends with for the most part, to this day.
However, being a naïve, douchebag kid that I was, as I grew up, I made some more friends than enemies. I was entitled, I’m not afraid to admit it, I felt better than others, I ran my mouth…a lot, it got me into some trouble in the sim league world and even outside the sim league world. Despite that, I still had a core of people who looked out for me in the leagues, still stayed friends with me, etc, but then things kind of changed.
I began to act out even more, I hung around with the wrong crowd, my life became a bit of a mess. People around me didn’t know anything because I never opened up to them, about anything whatsoever. I got into things no person should see at a young age, I had experiences no person young or old should experience, and I really wasn’t happy, but no one really knew, maybe some very close people to me, but I don’t even think my parents knew the full extent of what I was going through.
Things go so bad, that I left sim leagues behind, I left them all, in fact I made even more enemies because I ghosted the leagues I had promised to be around in, and that wasn’t cool of me, I lost a lot of people’s trust which I was good at doing and yeah, things just weren’t great.
Along the way of recovering from all of my demons, as most of the people know, I had two kids, the first one I actually had while still in sim leagues, the second while I was away. I married my childhood sweetheart and it kind of clicked in me, that I needed a better life. And so I began to live that good life. Things got better, my depression slowly subsided, days got easier, getting out of bed, much easier, my life was just in a good place.
So I came back to sim leagues full-time, haven’t missed a beat since I rejoined and I’ve been probably the happiest I’ve been since I was that young naïve 13 year old that first joined the league 10+ years ago.
But, I fell into some bad habits again. Not so much habits, but my mind again began to sink back into a terrible place, and honestly I couldn’t pin-point why, but people started to get under my skin for all of the wrong reasons and I blamed them for it, I blamed them a lot.
And this is the reason for my post today, the clear the air, to let things be bygones and to really, really make an effort to be a better me in sim leagues.
@HuddleHussy and I have gone back and forth numerous times as opposing GM’s, as sim leaguers, as human beings. I questioned everything she did, I fought with her on everything, deep down, I had grudges against her that I simply wouldn’t let go, which lead me to being suspended for the first time in IRL years that I can remember. It wasn’t my proudest moment, but instead of hate me for what I said, and hate me for how I acted, we actually talked. For the first time since I’ve known her, we talked for like a good 4 hours about everything, and it’s scary how much you can learn about someone in 4 hours, but what I learned is, that my tendencies from years ago that had slowly crept in, were the only reasons I really held any type of hatred or grudge towards her, and in fact, there was no reason to, because we learned through communicating that I would’ve never known if I continued to hate her for absolutely no reason. She knows how sorry I am for being the way I was towards her, during those talks we just cleared the air, and this isn’t some publicity stunt, this isn’t some way to kiss peoples asses or make them think I’ve suddenly changed, but this is however genuine, we moved past it, but she’s not the only one.
@Bushito my words and actions I took in your rankings were completely uncalled for, and my suspension was 100% legitimate in every way possible. I took out an issue I didn’t even have with you, on you, and it wasn’t fair to you, nor deserved. We’ve known each other for years, like YEARS, you taught me how to play EHM, you taught me how to do the VHL stuff, I learned how to do graphics because I enjoyed your graphics so much and I wanted to be as good as you. I have nothing but respect for you, and I hope my outburst didn’t break that, I know we’ve never truly been like 100% eye-to-eye before, but just know, I have never had ill-will towards you.
To anyone else I may have ever offended, I may have ever cut ties with, or held a grudge against, please don’t feel scared to DM me, I’d like to clear the air. This is me, breathing, living, and feeling happy, this is me letting go of all the negative shit in my life and sim league career because it’s just too heavy to carry around anymore.
Thanks for reading…this has been my Ted Talk.